


The Surfing Pope (aka Beer Pong and Buttsex - Pope John's Plans to Reform the Catholic Church)

by squidgie



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010), Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Crossover, M/M, WTF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-03
Updated: 2011-09-03
Packaged: 2017-10-23 09:50:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/248999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squidgie/pseuds/squidgie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yet another in the Pope John series inspired by the incredible esteefee.  This is major crack, with a side of crossover.  Yes, it's a lighthearted take on the Catholic Church, as seen through John Sheppard's eyes and actions.  No offense intended.  Basically, Pope John gets bored on a world-wide goodwill tour, and they end up in Hawaii.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Surfing Pope (aka Beer Pong and Buttsex - Pope John's Plans to Reform the Catholic Church)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sheafrotherdon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheafrotherdon/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Everything's Maika`i (Like I Said)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/248697) by [esteefee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/esteefee/pseuds/esteefee). 



> NOT betaed. Written because of a comment in esteefee's "Everything's Maika'i (Like I said)" which she wrote for sheafrotherdon for her birthday. Cate, this is for your birthday from me - if you'll have it! I know it's a bit...odd. :) And the subtitle is straight from elderwitty - I busted out when she rattled that off. :)

It starts out innocently enough on their ambassadorial trip to Poland.  John starts to get antsy during a particularly long mass, tapping his Papal ring impatiently on the arm of the chair.  He resists the urge to remove the gun from the thigh strap just to disassemble and reassemble to help pass the time (since he really can't get to the thigh strap without flashing the whole congregation anyway) and starts fidgeting instead. 

Rodney, watching the whole episode, goes to John's side and leans in as if to whisper to him.  Instead, he flicks John on the ear, then turns to go back to his seat with a smug look on his face.  Not to be outdone, John literally puts his foot down, holding part of Rodney's robe firmly to the floor.  Microseconds later, Rodney is stopped short by the hold, loses his balance, and windmills his arms in an effort to keep from falling down.  It doesn't work. 

The priest stops his homily and the whole congregation focuses on Rodney, who's suddenly back on his feet, glaring at John.  "You insolent little son of a..." he starts, voice echoing throughout the ancient structure, then realizes all eyes are on him.

John pops up from his chair and grabs Rodney's hand, pulling him towards the back of the church.  "We'll be right back," he says to the stunned priest.  With a gesture towards his flock, he offers, "Carry on," in Polish (though he doesn't realize that phonetically it sounds closer to the phrase "I need a hand job") then disappears into the Sacristy with Rodney.

"You mind telling me what in the _hell_ that was all about?" Rodney demands.

"Oh come _on_ , Rodney.  You can't tell me you weren't falling asleep, too.  That man," he says, pointing back towards the altar, "is a giant windbag.  I had to get us outta there."

"Fine.  We're out here," Rodney replies, gesturing around him.  "What now?"

John thinks, trying to picture the most anti-Polish place on Earth.  "Where are they sending us after we leave here?" he asks.

" _I don't know_ ," Rodney spits out.  Clipping his earpiece, he adds, "Aren't _you_ supposed to know where they want you?"  After a second, he barks, "Ronon?  Where to after Poland?"

John puts his radio on, despite the fact that it makes his mitre unstable (it tumbles to the floor seconds later and me makes a face at it as if that ends the fight), so that he can be part of the conversation.  He's just in time to hear Ronon consult some paperwork and respond, "Il Papa's supposed to go to Zambia."

" _Zambia_?" John responds.  "Oh _hell_ no; it's land-locked.  There aren't any decent beaches in Zambia."  With a look at Rodney (who shrugs his shoulders and bites his tongue, holding a 'told you so!' look on his face - it _was_ John who decided on Zambia after all), he just says, "Screw it.  We're going to Hawaii."

"Hawaii?" Rodney and Ronon say in unison.

"Yeah.  There's got to be _something_ over there that I can bless," John sighs.  Which is how they end up at Academy of the Sacred Hearts in Honolulu twenty-seven hours later.

~*~*~

"Uncle Steve!" the young girl calls as she heads over to the Camaro, then adds, "Hi, Danno," once she sees her father.  Rachel had called Danny when she found out Grace's school was overrun with Catholics due to the Pope's unexpected visit, knowing it would take a police car to get through to pick her up; she was right.

"Climb in, monkey," Danny tells her as he scoots his seat forward.  As she climbs in, he notices an oversized golden ring she clutches in one hand.  "What is _that_?" he asks.

Pulling the ring to her chest protectively, she counters with, "I found it."

"You _found_ it?"  Danny sighs, then notices the curious look Steve is giving him.  To answer his look of 'huh?", Danny says, "It's the _Papal_ ring, Steven," the veins on his forehead shooting out almost immediately.

"The Papal-  You mean it's..."  Turning to the child, Steve asks, "Gracie, where did you find it?"  He puts his hand out and she passes it to him without question.

"I don't know," she replies.  She doesn't offer that she'd been hiding near the confessionals when two men darted into one of them, and the ring fell out of the booth soon thereafter.

Steve looks at the ring, then to Danny.  With a sigh, he starts to get out of the car, soon to be followed by his partner.  "Stay here, monkey," Danny says, then jogs to catch up to Steve as he heads into the small church adjacent to the school.

A giant man wearing a brown monks robe meets the pair, his long dreads spilling out from beneath the hood.  Steve flashes his badge.  "McGarrett and Williams from 5-0.  Is the Pope in there?" he asks, pointing at the door the large man seems to be guarding.

Bishop Ronon just shrugs and lets the men pass.

Steve opens the door, holding it for Danny to enter first.  Once inside, they're both stopped by the spectacle in front of them.  On one side, a woman in a nun's outfit is sitting on a table, wimple bobbing up and down to some unheard beat.  As she shifts, the sun shining through a stained glass window catches on the iPod sitting in her lap and sends a ray of light in the opposite direction.  The music changes, indicated by a more forceful headbob, and with barely a twist of her body, she floats gently off the table, hovering in midair. 

On the other side of the room, the pair sees the Pope and a monk standing on opposite sides of a table, taking turns tossing small white discs towards drinking glasses filled with a dark liquid.  It's only once they approach and the Pope seems to have gotten a "lucky shot" (Danny knows because the monk glares at the Pope, then reaches down and removes a sock, tossing it onto the table as the Pope mimics a stripper song in his best raspy voice).  "Seriously?" he calls to the pair.  "Stripper beer pong?" causing the Pope and monk to start.  " _That's_ what you do with the sacramental wine and communion wafers during the week?"

"Oh!  Hey...  We were just, uhh..."  The Pope looks at the monk who just glares back at him.  "Ummm..."

"Waiting for the crowds to die down," the monk finally adds, putting his socks and sandals back on.

Danny refuses to look at McGarrett's face; he already knows the massive grin plastered there won't come off for hours.  Grabbing the ring from Steve, Danny holds it out towards the oddest holy man he's ever seen.  "I think this is yours," he says, adding in, "sir," a moment later, voice laden with incredulity.

Before the Pope can take the ring, the monk grabs it, turning it over in his hand.  "Seriously?  They should have given you the name Pope Fumbles McButterfingers, not Ioannes Sheppardus.

Pope John just rolls his eyes, then clips the monk on the head.  "Whatever Rodney," he sighs, grabbing the ring and placing it on his fingers.  "Thank you, gentlemen," he offers sincerely.

"Yeah, no problem," Danny says as he steers Steve towards the door. 

"Hey," John calls to them both.  "Either of you know any good surfing spots to hit while we're here?"

Steve turns to go back (smiling when John returns his shaka hand gesture), though Danny stays rooted to the spot.  "C'mon, Danno."

" _You_ go," Danny says.  "I'm gonna go call Rachel and ask her about finding Gracie a new school."


End file.
